Kin and Kisses and a Side of Summer
by liebedance
Summary: James visits Lily in the middle of the night the summer after 6th year. These are their thoughts following that conversation. Companion fic "outtake" to Kin and Kisses. Read? Review?


[A/N: So... I had a bunny. And the bunny wouldn't leave. And you all know how it works, you have the bunny and the only way to get rid of it is to write it. Anyway, this "outtake" takes place after Lily's letter to Maia. For those of you who haven't read Kin and Kisses, James just visited Lily at night the summer after their 6th year.

Disclaimer: This plot bunny is not mine... I was its slave. And these characters belong to Jo.]

**Kin and Kisses and a Side of Summer**

_So I would choose to be with you__  
__That's if the choice were mine to make__  
__But you can make decisions too__  
__And you can have this heart to break_

_-Billy Joel, So it Goes_

He didn't know why he'd done that. He didn't know why he had gone over to Lily's on a whim. True, James was not the most analytical person. True, he didn't think things through or mull ideas over before acting on them. He was a feeler, not a thinker. He made decisions with his heart. And being best friends with an upset Sirius wasn't conducive to thinking things through, either.

He hadn't meant for the conversation to go the way it did. That was for certain. Not that he'd really had time to plan out his perfect vision of what would happen when showed up unannounced in Lily's front yard. But, never in a million years had he expected _that_ to happen. He hadn't expected to tell her that their being friends was up to her.

Everything in their relationship had been driven by him until that point. It was his immature attempts to impress her that had led her to develop her initial dislike for him. It was his belief that he just needed to prove himself to her that had led him to show off and earned him the title "arrogant toe-rag." It was his hatred of the Dark Arts and those who practiced them that led him to pick on Snape. It was always James chasing Lily. Dislike to nigh hatred to acceptance had all been driven by his choices, his actions. And everything that happened was a reaction to something that _he _did. And now the next turning point in their relationship was in her hands.

He'd been so surprised when his owl had returned with a letter two weeks ago. He'd been even more surprised when the letter wasn't an expression of disgust, but a friendly and cheerful note in response to the letter he had sent her. He'd run to Sirius' room and waved the parchment in his friend's face, demanding proof that he wasn't asleep or hallucinating. Even Sirius' insistences that the letter was real couldn't convince him of it. But, when the letters had continued to come, he'd just had to accept it.

So how was he here now? How was he in his own room staring out the window replaying every moment from his conversation with Lily?

"_James," she said in a whisper, "we are friends. At least… I want to be your friend." _

She wanted to be his friend? A year ago he would've been jumping up and down for joy, writing madly exuberant letters to his friends, demanding an impromptu trip to the nearest pub for drinks. And now, how had he reacted? He had told her to think about it.

Because, he really was sick of it. He was sick of liking – no, _loving_ – somebody who didn't even enjoy his presence. He was sick of the ups and downs, the hot and colds, the twisted and mutilated ins and outs of this _thing_ that they had. It was up to her. And, if she wouldn't take this step, if she wouldn't even make the effort to be his _friend_, he had to give up. He had to move on. Because, despite what he'd said to her that day in Hogsmeade, there was only so much one person could take from another. If she wasn't willing to even be friends, maybe he really ought to place his heart with somebody else.

"Prongs?" Sirius voice came from the doorway. "You're back already? That was only, what, an hour?"

"More or less," James answered.

"What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"That," Sirius said shortly, coming over to sit next to James on his bed, "is quite possibly the biggest lie I've ever heard you say. You _always_ want to talk about it."

"Not this time, Padfoot," James sighed.

"What happened?" Sirius asked again, trying to hide the slight concern he felt.

"Just let me say, whatever happens now is up to her."

"What _happened_? C'mon, tell Uncle Padfoot."

"You're ridiculous, you know that?" James said, a slight smile forming on his lips. "Never in my life will I call you Uncle Padfoot."

"James," Sirius said, "don't sit here and ruminate over what happened. Tell me."

"You're taking the exact phrasing I used with you last week," James said blandly.

"Hey, it was a good phrase, can you blame me?"

"I told Lily that I was sick of it. I told her that if she wants to be friends, even, it's up to her. I'm done chasing."

"Good one, Prongsie," Sirius laughed. "That will work. Let her think she's in charge."

"No, Sirius," James said, turning to look at his friend, "I wasn't just saying it. I mean it. If she doesn't even like me enough after six years to want to be friends, I'm done. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep putting myself through this."

"You're giving up on Lily?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"Unless there's any indication that she wants anything, yes, I am."

"Wow," Sirius said. "I couldn't have called that one."

"Me either, Padfoot," James said, turning back to look out of the window. "Me either."

_Potter – _

_James –_

_I have been thinking a lot about_

_James,_

_I'm sorry. I want to be friends. I really do. _

_Dear James,_

_Why are you so difficult to write to right now? I'm going insane trying to figure out what to say! Why did you have to come over here! This is hard. I don't want to write this letter._

_James, _

_You were right. I haven't been fair. What I said last night was true. I thought we were friends. I want to be your friend. But, you were right. I haven't been acting like a friend. Not to you. I'm sorry. I guess it's just the years of animosity have left me not knowing how to interact with you. I'm used to assuming the worst because, for so long, the worst is all I saw. And, you're right, too, about me not even trying to get to know you. Thinking you're an arrogant prat, thinking that you're just a trouble maker, it makes things easier for me. But that's selfish and wrong and_

_James,_

_I want to be friends. I'm willing to try to be friends. Friendship is a two way street, and I owe it to you to meet you halfway._

_Lily_

Lily looked at the parchment with the letter she had finally managed to write. As soon as her owl came back from sending Maia's letter, she would send this to James.

After he'd left her standing in her doorway the previous night she hadn't moved for what seemed like hours. She just stood there, thinking about everything that he'd said, replaying every nuance of the conversation in her head. And she'd realised that she wanted to be his friend. That the fear of losing him from her life wasn't just a momentary reaction to a threat. It was real.

Lily Evans wanted to be friends with James Potter.

If she'd even had that thought a year ago she would've checked herself into St Mungo's in a second. If James had _dared_ to show up in front of her house a year ago, she would've come up with all sorts of creative and not-so-nice names for him that she would never utter in front of her parents and hexed him until he was unrecognizable.

She had noticed the changes in them. She'd noted them to herself. She'd heard other people mention them to her. But, until last night, she'd never thought anything about what the changes meant. They weren't just some show so that he could win her over. They were real changes, signs of growing up.

And while James was growing up, changing for the better, Lily had clung onto immaturities and childhood rivalries.

But being friends with James Potter? Recognizing him as a _friend_? It scared her more than she could understand, more than she could rationalize to herself. Because being _friends_ with James Potter… It wouldn't just be admitting she was wrong. It wouldn't just be being nice to her nemesis of five years. It would mean trusting him with a bit of herself.

And trusting James Potter with a bit of herself? Where could that lead?

[A/N: So...? What did you think? Let me know!]


End file.
